What's in a Name?

Due in no small part to a request from a dedicated reader, several old essays will be appearing on this blog in the near future. Some of you may recognize the work. I hope you enjoy it again.



Has anyone else noticed the fact that in today's profesional sports very few athletes have nicknames anymore? There was a time in the sports history of this country when just about every notable athletic figure was labeled with an alter ego, but those times have sadly passed. Gone are the days of the Galloping Ghost, the Sultan of Swat, and the Monsters of the Midway. Today's superstar sports figures play out their careers under their God-given names as creativity melts farther and farther away. Sure, some exceptions remain, but even those exceptions are, for the most part, lame. Take Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez for example. The Detroit catcher merely borrowed his nickname from "Pudge" Fisk of the Boston Red Sox. Or how about Fred McGriff, "The Crime Dog." What the hell does that mean, and what does it have to do with his ability to play baseball? (Those of you wondering if he's a convicted fellon, your answer is no, he's actually a pretty OK guy.) As I realized that our society had all but forgotten the sports nickname, I began to wonder what makes a great nickname, and then, who had the best nicknames in sports? Here are some of my thoughts:

What does it take to have a great nickname? There are two determining factors. First, does the moniker sound good? The great majority of all good nicknames make use of alliteration or rhyming to capture the imagination of the sports fan. Examples include "Dizzy" Dean, and Dick "Night Train" Lane. Second, great nicknames describe the subject accurately. Whether it be a certain personality trait, or a facial feature, or more commonly the attributes brought to the field by the athlete in question. Examples of this include Frank Thomas, i.e. "The Big Hurt," and Joe Montana, i.e. "Joe Cool." More often than not, the greatest of all nicknames combine both elements. Take for example Christian Okoye, i.e. "The Nigerian Nightmare," or Ted Williams, i.e. "The Splendid Splinter." So this of course begs the question, what do you have to do to get a nickname? Usually you think of the great players having famous monikers, but that's not always the case. You have to look no farther than relief pitcher Dave "Longball" Veres to see that. How many pitchers do you know that are nicknamed after an important OFFENSIVE category? You don't even have to DO anything to get a nickname. Sometimes your physical features are enough to earn you a new name. I played high school football with a guy we used to call, "Schnoz." You do the math. You don't even have to play a sport to get a nickname. All you have to do is be a fan, as evidenced by the "Dawg Pound" at Cleveland Browns Stadium.

So all that having been said, who out there was dubbed with the best nickname? There are so many good ones it's hard to choose, but here's a top 26 list I've put together. In some cases I don't know much about the athlete, but the nickname was just too good to pass up.

26. O. J. Simpson, "The Juice" - Appropriate thanks to his initials, "The Juice is loose!" was heard on more than one occasion when Simpson terrorized defenses in the NFL, and then again, over and over again, after his jury found him not guilty.

25. "Mean" Joe Greene - "Mean" Joe Greene was one of the most feared defensive players in the history of pro football, and his nickname was well earned. Known for taking pleasure in the pain of his opponents, Greene may also have been the nastiest athlete to ever live.

24. Henri Richard, "The Pocket Rocket" - I don't know much about this hockey player, but doesn't that sound awesome?

23. Reggie White, "The Minister of Defense" - What else would you call an ordained minister who holds the NFL career record for sacks?

22. "Super" Mario Lemioux - "Super" Mario was super and then some during his career with the Pittsburgh Penguins of the NHL.

21. The "Cardiac" Cardinals - This nickname went along with the football Cardinals during the only season they made the playoffs in St. Louis. The "Cardiac" Cards made a name for themselves by pulling several games out in the last seconds throughout the year.

20. Walter Payton, "Sweetness" - Payton may be the greatest running back of all time, pure "Sweetness" for anyone that watched him play.

19. Joe Montana, "Joe Cool" - One of football's greatest come-from-behind quarterbacks, "Joe Cool" never lost his cool while he marshalled his troops.

18. Gerhardt "Der Bomber" Muller - This German soccer player holds the record for most goals scored in World Cup competition with 14. "Der Bomber" is also the only player to ever literally tear the net from the goal posts during a game with a shot.

17. Stan "The Man" Musial - Simple, tells the story. Stan Musial was THE man in baseball during the 1940's and 50's.

16. Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown - "Three Finger" Brown was a pitcher for the Chicago Cubs who, oddly enough, had just three fingers on his pitching hand.

15. The New York Yankees, "The Bronx Bombers" - The Yankees are baseball's most storied franchise, and the "Bronx Bombers" moniker was placed on them in the days of Babe Ruth and Lou Gerhig when they were (as usual) almost unbeatable.

14. William "The Refridgerator" Perry - Perry weighed in at well over 350 lbs, but the amazing thing about "The Fridge" was his quickness and strength, which allowed him to dominate the interior line of scrimmage.

13. Earvin "Magic" Johnson - Johnson's feats on the basketball court were magical, even if his off-court HIV news overshadowed the end of his career.

12. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson - "Shoeless" Joe was made popular by the book of the same name, and later the movie "Field of Dreams." Despite his unceremonious dumping from pro baseball, "Shoeless" Joe is one of the most recognizable nicknames in American Sports.

11. Pete Rose, "Charlie Hustle" - Pete Rose played the game of baseball the way it should be played: at full speed and with reckless abandon. It's time he took his place in the Hall of Fame.

10. Ozzie Smith, "The Wizard of Oz" - "The Wizard" earned his nickname with his spectacular circus defensive plays at shortstop. 13 consecutive Gold Gloves is still a shortstop record.

9. The Chicago Bears, "The Monsters of the Midway" - No defense was ever more fearsome than the "Monsters of the Midway" of the mid 1980's, which featured stars like the "Refridgerator" Perry, Mike Singletary, and Richard Dent.

8. "Broadway" Joe Namath - When Joe Namath led the New York Jets to the Superbowl championship he was larger than life. He was outlandish, outspoken, and creative, just like Broadway.

7. Christain Okoye, "The Nigerian Nightmare" - Okoye, a native of Nigeria, made a name for himself in the NFL as the bruising fullback of the Kansas City Chiefs. Opposing linebackers surely had horrible dreams about their meetings with "The Nigerian Nightmare."

6. Ted Williams, "The Splendid Splinter" "Teddy Ballgame" "The Greatest Hitter Ever" - So great were Williams' accomplishments on the field that three nicknames were necessary to cover his grand stature.

5. Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky - Maybe we should change this to, "The Greatest One, Ever."

4. Red Grange, "The Galloping Ghost" - Grange was a college and pro football standout, but I remember him best for his cool sounding nickname.

3. Edson Arantes Do Nascimento, "Pele" - The most famous athlete in the world, arguably the greatest soccer player ever. No one knows what "Pele" actually means, but everyone knows who you're talking about.

2. George "Babe" Ruth, "The Bambino" "The Sultan of Swat" "The King of Clout" - "The Babe" is undoubtedly the most famous baseball player of all time.

1. Dick "Night Train" Lane - "Night Train" Lane was the most feared defensive back of his era, and were it not for Ronnie Lott, he might still be the most fearsome defensive player ever. Known for devastating opponents with his clothesline manuever, (which was later banned) Dick "Night Train" Lane must have the coolest nickname in the history of sports.

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'd love to hear what you think about the list, or any other comments you've got. Got a favorite nickname I didn't mention? Send it to me! Lemme know what you think! As for what nicknames the author has had during his athletic career: In kindergarden and first grade I was known as "Booger" to my teammates. I had a propensity for picking my nose during practice and games. In high school football I was dubbed, "Greased Lightening" because I was, "Fast as lightening, but hands like grease." My inability to catch a football forever doomed me to a career playing defense. It was in high school rugby that I got the only flattering nickname of my sporting career. They called me "Rot" which was short for Rotweiler. According to my teammates I was small, but vicious. Finally, in college intramurals Tim "Are You Serious?" Fisher dubbed me "The Postman." Official stats were not kept, but it is estimated that in 35 intramural soccer games I hit the post 567 times, while scoring 15 goals.

How about some other nicknames from folks who might read this blog? Here's a quick list:

Christine "Awkward" Sturm - If it's on a table, or in Christine's hands, chances are it'll find the floor sometime soon.

Jenn "The Gimp" Bunt - Head, shoulders, knees and toes, something was always wrong with this girl. How she missed a hat trick from 3 feet away on an open goal is still one of the mysteries of the universe.

Mary "Oh So" Close - Actually, Mary's shots usually wound up pretty far away from the goal, but it was still fun to call her "Oh So" Close.

Fr. Tim Daly, "Dr. Dre" - Fr. Tim has a doctorate from the University of Alabama, hence the "Dr." part. He also taught in Ecuador for a couple of years. Father became Padre became Dre. Now he's "Dr. Dre" The rappin Priest.

Tim "Are You Serious?" Fisher - No one phrase could ever be more associated with anybody's voice.

Mark "Dude You're Scaring Me" Green - I still have nightmares about that night...

Rob Ortmann, "Rob-bot" - Rob is a cleaning machine!

"Touchdown" Kate Puleo - I bet Kate dinner that I could score more goals than she could score touchdowns during our respective intramural seasons. In her first game "Touchdown" Kate scored twice, while I scored once, seperated my shoulder, and was out for the year. It cost me $20 at a nice Chinese place.

Andrea Brancato, "Mrs. Robinson" - Self explanatory?

Scott "Clear Skies, Calm Winds" Stevelinck - Grow a pair and learn to fly.

Steve "Warsaw" Kozlowski - How much more Polish do last names get?

Katie Rintelman, "SAS" - You're freakishly tall Katie...