The Traveling Public

It must be a huge conspiracy. There can be no other explanation. The TSA, in their efforts to continue to harass crewmembers even after they've passed through the security checkpoint, has boosted the mind-numbing power their metal detectors have on passengers. The end result: every passenger inside the secure area of the airport is a complete idiot until they finish their journey. The other possible explanation is that people really are that stupid.

In all fairness, I realize most people don't know all that much about airplanes, but really...

Lets start with the "what if" questions. Due to the fact that Chicago is full of Cubs fans I refuse to live there, which leaves me with the alternative of commuting to work. So every week, twice a week, I'm forced to board an aircraft as a passenger and sit in the peanut gallery. Invariably next to some obnoxious fat guy, or an old lady who's afraid of flying... In my uniform... I've fielded such questions as, "What if a bird hits the plane?" "What if the wheels won't come down." "What if the pilot gets sick?" And my personal favorite, "What if the wing falls off?" The temptation to say, "In that case, we crash, burn, inhale smoke, and die horribly," is almost uncontrollable. Almost... I even had one guy ask me if a turbine engine had cylinders and pistons, "just like my car engine, right?" It's amazing the likeness between a Ford and a Boeing... To be honest, it's not so much the lack of cognitive thought behind the questions that's the most annoying thing. The worst part is, this is my commute to work. It's the equivalent of having someone you've never met before sitting next to you in your car in traffic in the morning asking you questions about your job in much the same way a 5 year old child would do.

You'd think that once I arrive in Chicago I'd be able to avoid ridiculous questions. Unfortunately, when you wear a uniform at the airport, you might as well have a giant, "Information" sign strapped to your forehead. This environment lends itself to questions like, "What gate does flight 1156 leave from?" There are, on the average day, about 3000 departures from some 200+ gates at O'hare. I have yet to memorize all of them. Occasionally in the terminal, passengers become beligerent. This is actually kind of amusing. While on a mechanical delay once, the following conversation occured:

pax: "What's wrong with the plane?"
me: "Their's a problem with the engine, but maintenance thinks they'll be able to fix it soon."
pax: "Ok, so what's the problem, I'm not stupid, what's really wrong with it?"
me: "There is a small chip in part of the compressor they have to either fix or replace."
pax: "Well we can go without air conditioning, can't we?"
me: (with a befuddled look) "Excuse me?"
pax: "The compressor is part of the airconditioning, and we don't really need that do we?"
me: "Sir, the compressor has nothing to do with the airconditioning on the airplane, it's a vital part of the engine."
pax: "Listen, I told you I'm not stupid, it's gotta be just like the compressor in my car, it runs the airconditioning. Don't lie to me."
me: (pointing out the window) "Do you see that airplane out there?"
pax: "Yeah."
me: "Does it look anything like your car?"

He walked away with an angry look on his face, probably still convinced I'd lied to him.

Finally, what is the deal with the way people walk in the terminal these days? Does the association of fat people decree that their members should all walk shoulder to shoulder in a narrow hallway? It's like a giant steamroller pressing down the concourse, consuming all in it's path. The only respite is when they arrive at the food court and scatter like children in Toys R Us. And how about the people who look one way, and walk in a completely different direction? While 95% of the rest of the world is walking straight ahead in reasonable order, this person is cutting across all lanes of traffic like an 82 year old on the highway. Typically, these kinds of offenders have their gazes fixed on the departure information screens. They have that look on their faces... You know the look... Mouth partially open. Eyes blank. Brow furroughed in confusion. The first hint of drool venturing onto their chin. Clearly the alphabetical order on the screen requires so much attention that walking in a straight line becomes impossible. Thank God they're not chewing gum. Perhaps the worst offenders of all are the wheelchair employees. Whether pushing an ancient ass or not, these psychopaths barrel through the terminal with their chairs like Saddam with a new bioweapon. They reak indiscriminant destruction on anyone foolish enough to stand in their paths, believing that after mumbling phrases like, "Excuse the wheelchair," they have the right to trample you if you don't move. And finally in this category, how about a big round of applause for the parents who strap their kids to leashes in the airport. Unable to make the distinction between their child and their pet, these folks tether their toddlers on 10 foot neon green and blue rope. And you just want to smack the stupid $%&*#+%! It's not like they keep the kid close, where they can do no harm. Oh no! If the kid has ten feet to play with, he damn well better use it all... In the terminal at Chicago O'Hare... The busiest airport in the world... Where the width of the concourse is about 20 feet. The adult holding the leash (and looking far less intelligent than the child at the end of it) doesn't seem to mind that their 5 year old is blocking half the terminal with what looks remarkably like a finish line. The desire to race through the leash at full speed, chest puffed out, arms extended, is nearly overwhelming. Unfortunetly you realize that due to the size of the child and the obesity of the adult holding the child, it will be the kid you send flying instead of the offensive adult.

And you all thought the hardest part of my job was landing the airplane...