The Postman

Yes, the Postman. That is what they used to call me. In fact, if "they" were here, they would still call me that. Isn't that right Fish? The fact of the matter is, it's a dubious nickname. You see, when I was in college and played intramural soccer I managed to hit the post more often than the net when I was shooting. Although official stats were not kept, it is estimated that in 35 games I scored 15 times, and hit the post 567 times. Fisher, back me up on this. For those of you who don't know, I'm refering to Tim "Are You Serious?" Fisher. Or as I like to refer to him, Ruen. Fish was our goalkeeper. And he wasn't very good. And when anything strange happened, like Jenn "the Gimp" missing a hat trick from 3 feet away on an open goal, you could hear Fisher pretty much anywhere in the state of Florida screaming, "Are you serious?" The other team mantra was, "Damnit!" I'll leave it up to you to interpret how good we were. Which brings me to last night, while we're on the topic of soccer teams that suck. Tuesday nights are marked by indoor soccer at Westchester (check it out at www.vettasports.com) And boy do we suck. The really obnoxious thing is that despite the fact that the goal is basically a rectangular hole cut out of the wall, they still feel the need to paint a 4 inch red stripe around it, representing the post. Usually, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but clearly, something higher is at work here, because despite the fact that the goal is considerably smaller, I still manage to find that damn red stripe more often than the net behind it. The red stripe is in fact a great source of consternation for me. I am always left to wonder, if the area around the goal had been left white like the rest of the wall, with no representation of a post whatsoever, would my shots still be attracted to that spot like a lush to a pub crawl? The typical end result of all of this is that just as surely as Dude with the OJ will have a glass of OJ in his hand, I will hit the post most of the times I shoot. Typically we lose the game by the same number of posts I hit. For example, last night, we lost 6-3, and I hit the post 3 times. 3 TIMES!!!!! Most people don't hit the F'ing post 3 times in an entire season! But not Dan the Postman. Oh no. He'll hit the post at least 100 times this year, and I gaurantee our team winds up outscored by exactly that many goals.